As a psychologist trained in the United States, I tend to view the expression of emotions as a good thing. So, the flipside of the expression of emotion – restraint of feelings, or emotional self-control – is sometimes viewed as an unhealthy practice, or at least a corollary of unfavorable health and mental health outcomes. For example, my research program has consistently identified emotional restraint as a predictor of more negative views of mental health counseling.1
On the other hand, I also know from my Korean and Christian backgrounds that the self-control of emotions, and of the self in general, can also be an important aspect of faithful living. Biblically, Proverbs portrays numerous references to controlling one’s self, which would include holding back strong emotions (e.g., 16:32; 25:28). In the New Testament, self-control (Galatians 5:22-23) is named as one of the fruits of the Spirit. Jesus also regularly demonstrated both remarkable acts of self-restraint and the sanctified expression of human emotions such as grief, frustration, and anger. This post will focus in particular on the emotional restraint required for self-control.
How, then, might we cultivate the desire and ability to control our emotions as we seek to follow Jesus?
At my current institution, we champion temperance (a form of self-restraint that protects us from excess or derailment from our aims) as a virtue to be cultivated in our classrooms and the co-curricular. Yet, I would suggest that self-control may be even better cultivated in a cross-cultural study abroad experience.
I have found that my S. Korea study abroad program is especially helpful for me to reaffirm the benefits of self-restraint and to continue to grow in this part of self-control. Emotional self-control, although not restricted to one culture, is also a cultural value that researchers have shown is particularly emphasized in Asian cultures (see this blog post 2 for a discussion of this). So, the S. Korea study abroad program is an ideal setting to be able to engage in intentional conversations about emotional restraint. As a brief context: I take a group of undergraduate students (10-15 students) to South Korea for about 3 weeks. During this time students are engaged in various activities and excursions, along with traditional classroom time with me.
Here are some examples of what my students and I have learned/continue to learn about emotional self-control through the South Korea study abroad experience:
I learn about self-control by reflecting on my own shortcomings and struggles.
Teaching students always calls for patience. But when teaching is combined with the additional stressors of leading a group of college students in a foreign country, I find myself in many moments of desperately calling out to God for a deeper well of patience and restraint when interacting with students. For instance, one year, a couple students were repeatedly late in showing up to an agreed upon meeting location, forcing repeated adjustments to the group schedule Another time, a student texted me in the middle of the night asking for assistance with a non-urgent matter. These are the moments when I must dig deep to suppress my own emotions and thoughts for the sake of relational harmony. I hadto be purposeful in my nonverbals, such as facial expressions, so that the incongruence between my inner world and outer one could be a good thing. Such cases—and my subsequent incongruence—were opportunities for living out the wisdom of “quietly holding it back” (Proverbs 29:11, ESV).
Here is another way to put it. The times that I can remember when I did not do an adequate job of restraining my true feelings – it is not without shame that I admit to this – the relational outcome of being “true to how I feel” was not worth the temporary catharsis of not restraining my emotions.
Another way that I grow in the virtue of self-control is when I experience strong homesickness during the study abroad program. Every time I lead this South Korea program, there are moments of intense longing for home – for my partner and children, for my dog, the beautiful outdoors of the Pacific Northwest, and even American football on TV.
Applying emotional restraint in these instances, then, means that despite what my human flesh is telling me, I am called to finish, and to finish strong. To finish the program strong means that I am to restrain my own needs for the maximization of my students’ learning. Again, I must confess I do not elevate students’ needs over mine (Philippians 2:3) as consistently as I would like, but when I can push through my loneliness, I can grow in the virtue of self-control.
My students learn about emotional restraint when they engage in some Korean traditions and practices.
For example, my students try on hanbok (한복; Korean traditional outfit) during one of their orientation activities. This moment is an opportunity to discuss how this beautiful traditional outfit is primarily concerned with restraining the individual and their unique fashion preferences; hanboks are full of shared symbols and colors, designed to draw out group membership (e.g., gender, socioeconomic class).
Another example is when my students observe how normalized masking is in public, even in the scorching heat of Seoul during the summer months. It’s a chance to discuss the suppression of individual comfort (i.e., not masking) for the benefit of the larger group. It is an apt connection to the reminder in 1 Corinthians 10:23: “ ‘I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’—but not everything is constructive.”
Here is one more practical example. When dining together with my students, I tell them about the Korean practice of not picking up one’s utensils until the oldest person at the table has begun eating. It’s the restraining of self in the face of hunger, if I can extend the idea of emotional restraint a bit. Many times, during my childhood, I was scolded for “diving in” before the adults started eating. During a dining experience with my students, I noticed a couple of students intently watching me with a glimmer in their eyes, and I realized that they were waiting for me to commence eating. I chuckled and then gave the students lots of affirmation for honoring this practice of restraint that they had just learned about.
As I reflect upon these examples, another term that comes to mind is self-denial. That is, self-denial is another apt way to think about how we can better love others around us. Much of faithful Christian living is to deny oneself for the sake of others, and one way we deny ourselves is to exercise restraint in emotions, thoughts, and desires so that others around us might reap the benefit of our restraint. Recognizing this interdependence makes it easier to appreciate that self-control is not only a good thing but is critical for cultivating the greatest of all Christian virtues, love.
This publication was made possible through the support of a grant from The Wake Forest University and the Lilly Endowment Inc. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of Wake Forest University or the Lilly Endowment Inc.
I am grateful to my colleague Dr. Brittany Tausen for her helpful feedback on an earlier version of this blog post.
Footnotes
- Paul Youngbin Kim, Dana L. Kendall, and Elizabeth S. Chang. “Emotional Self-Control, Interpersonal Shame, and Racism as Predictors of Help-Seeking Attitudes among Asian Americans: An Application of the Intrapersonal–Interpersonal-Sociocultural Framework,” Asian American Journal of Psychology 7, no. 1 (2016): 15-24.
- Paul Youngbin Kim, “This AAPI Heritage Month, Teach Your Students About Asian Cultural Values,” Christian Scholar’s Review: Christ Animating Learning Blog, May 4, 2023, https://christianscholars.com/this-aapi-heritage-month-talk-to-your-students-about-asian-cultural-values/
