In How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen (2023), David Brooks calls us to re-think how much true influence we can have on others if we do not take the time to genuinely know them and hear their perspectives. In a time of distrust and uncertainty across our American culture, he argues that perhaps a key part of the answer involves investing more in authentic relationship building. We need to go deeper than what has become the norm in an era of warp-speed rushing of work and play, business and worship, family and friendship.
Brooks’ challenge is especially timely for the current state of the church and the university. Churches as a whole are experiencing declining enrollment and regular participation pointing to organizational structures and practices that have somehow lost their way in keeping up with the varied needs of current and potential congregants. Similarly, the present-day university has too many students who either drop out of school, transfer, or come to the end of their higher education journey unfulfilled and wondering what God’s call is on their lives. Four or more years of expensive education—often missing the mark as too many courses fail to help the student learn to more fully explore their inner self by connecting with the professor and classmates in an incubator of generative intellectual but also relational space.
Brooks challenges us to engage in less mindless politeness, even while thinking, “I don’t want to be rude, but I need to get out of this conversation as fast as I can—I am extra busy today.” Instead, he offers us questions by which to move deeper into relationships:
- “What crossroads are you at?”
- “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”
- “If you died tonight, what would you dread not doing?”
- “If we meet a year from now, what will you be celebrating?”
- “If the next five years is a chapter in your life, what is that chapter about?”
- “Can you be yourself where you are and still fit in?”
- “Tell me about a time you adapted to change.”
- “What’s working really well in your life?”
- “What are you most self-confident about?”
- “Which of your five senses is strongest?”
- “Have you ever been solitary without feeling lonely?”
- “What has become clearer to you as you have aged?” (Brooks, 2023, pp. 90-92).
We all likely ponder these questions a bit but too rarely engage in pursuit of rich discussion with others. How unfortunate.
Some of the most impacting authors of the last fifty years speak to the intrinsic need to be in true community with others. For example, Robert Greenleaf1 gave us a deeper understanding of authentic servant leadership, and his writing and principles of personal and organizational health in the domain of relationships have had a significant impact on my own teaching and writing. Recently, one of my students, a current principal of an elementary school, shared with me that one of her Kindergarteners was in the hospital with terminal cancer. I have visited this little girl and her father several times this spring and summer. In my earlier days as a professor, to take the time to extend my support for my students in this way would not have occurred to me.
The literature on the theme of healthy, authentic relationships is abundant—as more and more authors, P-12 educators, professors, pastors, other organizational leaders, and influencers from all walks of life are realizing what Christ taught us in His one-to-one encounters with others. It’s the other person’s reality that needs more attention and care. His interactions with the thief on the cross, the woman at the well, and Zacheus—they all reveal a non-judging look into the person’s heart. And when He invited His disciples to travel with Him, He demonstrated a deep understanding of their life circumstances—seeing far beyond their outward appearance and persona.
I challenged my graduate educational leadership students this week to come back to school this fall term and be the “voice of reason” in their classrooms and their schools (and also in their churches, in their homes, and with their friends and neighbors). I asked them to model civil discourse and authentic conversation, listening with empathy and engaging their students in a deeper understanding of life and others—not simply mastering content and assessments.
Some will argue that we already do this well in the world of Christian higher education. Sometimes we do, but often we don’t. Recently, when I read Quentin Schultz’s book, Servant Teaching, I was reminded in chapter after chapter of what Brooks is desperately proclaiming: Too often, we don’t truly know others as we should. As teachers and mentors, too often, we don’t truly know our students as we should. As pastors, too often, we don’t truly know our parishioners as we should. Sadly, as parents, too often, we don’t even know our own children as we should!
How do we grow our Christian institutions in healthy ways? A huge part of the solution is to start small. In our individual lives, at the end of the day, it comes down to one question: Did I really know, and without judgment listen to, and authentically connect with the people in my life today? If we can answer in the affirmative, then that has been a life-changing day.
But as professors, if the summer rolls by and there are some students who we simply could not get around to learning their names, finding out about their lives, their hobbies, giving them a platform to share their views and insights?… Then we missed such an opportunity to connect on deeper levels of relationship.
I also asked my students this summer to share inspiring stories of how they had made a difference in a child’s life. I had never posed this question before as a whole-class written prompt. The true stories of uncommon valor from teachers in taking the time to care for a kid who had two strikes against him (or her) were a blessing…And without asking, I would have never known.
One such act of care involved a teacher handling a disruptive middle school student uniquely, reaching out to him in a positive way despite his being labeled as a problem kid. And, she made sure the other students in her class also accepted him and surrounded him with positive support. When a junior in high school, he saw her at a ballgame and made it a point to give her a big hug. He even gave this teacher an honorary diploma at his senior graduation, and then later on, he came by to see her when he visited the school as a marine on Veteran’s Day. One teacher creating a ‘culture of care’ in her classroom had a profound effect on this student’s life.
Within the Christian movement, we emphasize the critical importance of a relationship with the Trinity (God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit). So, it would only seem logical and a pre-requisite for me as a mentor of young educators at a Christian university to model this in my genuine relationship with each of them. David Brooks says this is too often the missing piece for almost all of us in our life walk with others. I agree…I can do better…And I will.
